Flash Back to Sept 7' 2012 …

Where does this depression come from? It feels so deep within me. I can’t fathom its depth although it affects everything on the surface of who I am. Everything as well as everyday seems to go pretty much to waste. If I force myself to do anything it’s those things that really don’t need to be done at all or wouldn’t have even gotten my attention on a normal day. The real tasks go undone and incomplete. I’m so overwhelmed by it sometimes and it invades my every thought and waking moment more than even I would care to admit. My mind is moving so fast but my body won’t accommodate my minds desires with any actions towards doing. It’s as if my body is moving in slow motion or stuck in quick sand. I pity myself and wallow in it. Pretending for those around me that all is normal and that I’m fine least they see me like this and ask me questions about it I can’t even begin to answer because I just don’t understand it myself.

Hiding it doesn’t help and only adds to the guilt of inactivity and lack of desire and motivation I feel. I commit and conspire to be better but I seldom shake it no matter what I try. I can’t even lift a finger to help myself although I seem to know all the answers in my mind. I tell myself I’m ok and this will pass but more and more lately I slip back into the abyss. The thoughts seem to always haunt me even on days I consider good ones and they lurk in the back of my mind. There are no visible reasons at all in my life for it and nothing seems to explain it yet it is undoubtedly there. I wander around the room and then back to what I was doing which was nothing. Again the thoughts of why am I so lazy creep in but it’s not laziness.

Can’t put my finger on it or touch it but I can feel it. Kind of like the wind in some ways. You can’t see it or touch it but it’s for real and it blows you around aimlessly and can be very destructive at times. Some days it’s a gentle breeze of depression and others days there are strong gusts of depression that push me back down. It stops occasionally and I wonder where it went but it comes back often from a different direction and the pattern repeats. I am ashamed to even admit that I have these feelings yet I can’t deny any longer that they are real. I don’t want to take a pill for it and it’s not a doctor’s place to solve it. If I force myself I can accomplish some things and I begin to feel better but it just doesn’t feel right to force myself to action and I often resent it and the results are often unfulfilling and unsustainable because it was forced.

Watching too much TV, browsing the internet and sleeping have becomes allies of my depression as they require little to any though or actions to complete and they occupy the space of time. As I reflect on it by writing this I can now confirm it has been going on for quite some time in my life, perhaps much longer that I was aware, but it is only now that I have come to admit what it really is. I always thought these feelings were normal and that I was just prone to laziness on occasion not realizing it was much more than what that simple explanation could justify. I’m not a lazy person but these feelings of depression do make me feel uninspired and hopeless and are holding me back to the life that I want.

Retirement didn’t help as it only provided me more time for these feeling to manifest themselves. I can see now when I was working it was there also and there were many days of inactivity and paralysis of tasks that I simply could not complete or explain why I was not doing them adding to the stress of my job and perhaps contributing to my early retirement from it. Such an insidious and clever condition this depression. I always thought I would have a heart attack or some other life threatening disease as I grew older but I may have latched on to something else entirely that I will have to fight the good fight to conquer. I can think of worst things to befall a person but nothing quite as mundane or unexpectedly complex as this.

I even dread to think that this may be part of the reason why I like to ride motorcycles long distances so much. Sure it’s fun and I love getting out and seeing new places and meeting new people and doing different things but I can’t deny that riding is an activity that requires little effort and fills the void of time least I do something more constructive. I perish the thought that my passion for riding motorcycles could be driven by such a destructive force. However, I cannot deny the reality of that activity that I love so much and what it really means because I often want to ride when there are tasks at hand that probably require attention. Maybe this is a stretch but does require further scrutiny.

Surely some procrastination and depressions are part of the human experience and are no reason for concern taken at face value. However, where is the line drawn between the two? I have always seen life as being a balance and everything is ok if done in moderation. I’m just beginning to explore if the scales of my feelings about depression may have swung too far out of balance. Ironically, this is something in my life that until today I have not even acknowledged existed let alone begun to measure. Depression seems to be one of those things that might disappear once you start observing it or it may just hide within your subconscious and only appear when you are least able to fight it effectively thereby slowly winning the battle. How to fight it is the question I now have to entertain.

I hope I’m not talking or writing myself into depression. I almost want to resist the temptation to learn more about it because I know it affects many millions of people every day and it would be easy to convince myself I’m now one of those simply by researching and reading about it. In the past I have always shrugged it off pushing forward with the day accepting it and blocking it as best I could. Surely no one in my position could be depressed I think. I have a wonderful life full of blessing to numerous to even mention yet other plausible explanations for these feelings can not be found.